


set me free,  leave me be

by emahsfotnuoccaeht



Series: just the way I’m supposed to be [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, But with a happy ending, F/F, Hanahaki AU, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 09:29:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16134455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emahsfotnuoccaeht/pseuds/emahsfotnuoccaeht
Summary: i don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity.





	set me free,  leave me be

Something always brings me back to you... 

☆

If Alina could go back and change anything, she just wished she wasn’t so young when it happened. 

Of course she'd heard about the disease, children used to spread rumors about it back in primary school, but Alina didn't think it was real. Flower petals? Too unbelievable to be true. 

But she was thirteen years old, sitting on the couch with her stuffed toy dog and watching the world championships, too young and too pure to understand her love of anything more than triple flips and Akita puppies and chocolate cake. The next thing she knew Evgenia was standing on the podium singing along to the Russian national anthem and the searing pain in her chest was too much to ignore.

Alina felt as though the wind was knocked out of her, she dropped Maseru to the ground, grasping at her throat with one hand and covering her mouth with the other, she coughed up three red rose petals. 

She spent the next few hours in bed, crying into Maseru's fur, and the next few months researching how to make the hanahaki disease go away.

☆

At fourteen, Alina was convinced that a part of her had died that night. But, she was a junior world champion now, and the burning pain in her chest was becoming more and more familiar. 

As far as everyone else was concerned, she had a bright future ahead of her. The Olympic Games were in less than a year now and Alina finally felt like she had a real shot. 

She was smart enough to know she had to take it. 

And so, Alina threw everything she had into her training. Even if it meant program after program to try and keep her stamina up as her lungs withered away, she wouldn't stop until she made herself sick. 

Her parents and training mates grew worried, her mother made sure she was eating right and getting enough rest, even Eteri started to monitor her more closely, making sure she was taking care of herself.

Ironically, the only person who wasn't phased was Evgenia. Surly, she would stop at nothing for the Olympics either, even if it meant training long programs until she was blue in the face. 

It became a tedious routine, she jumped until she was black and blue, spun until she was sick, and went to bed every night praying that come February, she would reap the benefits. 

It was reassuring at least, to know they were in it together. Sometimes Evgenia gave her the cookie her mom packed in her lunch (that they weren't allowed to eat anyway), and rub her back reassuringly when she cried tears of frustration, and sit on the dirty bathroom floor with her while Alina coughed up blood red flower petals that she had no clue she had caused. They were in it together and that had to mean something.

☆

Alina had never cried so much in her life. 

The words 'Olympic Champion' ring in her ears and buzzed through her veins. Everything, everything had been worth it. 

But Alina didn't cry because she was happy, Alina didn't cry often at all. It took a lot.

She cried for the girl who came knocking on her door that night, bottom lip quivering and shaky hands holding that damn silver medal. 

The pain in her chest hit like a slap in the face, Alina left Evgenia standing there, as much as she would've loved to hold her and dry her tears, and locked herself in the bathroom. She was choking and gasping, and Evgenia only cried harder. 

"Al?" She banged on the door, "Alina!" 

Zhenya couldn't know about Alina's feelings, though, it would ruin their fragile friendship and Alina didn't think it was worth sacrificing. 

She washed her face off in the mirror and rinsed rose petals and blood down the sink. 

"Please come out..." Zhenya whimpered. 

Fifteen year old Alina had never been kissed before, and Evgenia had never kissed anyone. But it felt right the right thing to do then. 

And so, they did. And ice cold palms soothed the burning heat in Alina's heart, and Alina clumsily tried to follow Evgenia's lead. It took every single fiber of her being not to cry right then and there, from the relief she felt alone, this, she thought, is what love feels like. 

Every nerve in Alina's body lit up as Evgenia ran her hands from her cheek to her neck to her back. As cliche as it sounds, and she thought that maybe this is the closest she would ever come to knowing what the word 'soulmate' tastes like. 

Evgenia pulled away first, though truthfully Alina was hoping she never would. Before she could even utter the words, "I think I'm in love with you," Zhenya started laughing. Laughing so hard she was crying and holding Alina so tight, so tight she couldn't breathe for an entirely new reason. 

And so she invited her to stay, the delicate strength she had mustered up completely gone when Zhenya cried into her shoulder and gripped her like she was food for a starving man. 

Alina half dragged, half carried the older girl to the bed and pulled her into her lap, they'd fall asleep like that, with one of them crying and the other trying not to think about the burning ache in her chest. 

☆

For the first time in as long as she can remember, Alina felt like she might really be getting better. 

Despite the lackluster end to her season, she made a promise to herself that she would let herself relax this off season for the first time in years and lord, did it feel great.

So she went to the ice shows, and she skated with her friends, and participated in jump battles, and showed off her new programs, and kissed Evgenia in the locker room between practices. For once in her life, she felt like a normal sixteen year old. 

The flower petals became few and far between, and Alina could look at and touch and kiss Zhenya without any pain in her chest. She didn't feel sick anymore, at least, and she didn't have the bitter taste of blood in her mouth constantly, she could see the end for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.

She didn't notice the way Evgenia started to withdraw. It wasn't just her either, she wouldn't go out to dinner with her and Nathan and Shoma anymore. She didn't like to have conversations with Alina or even answer her messages.

But Alina saw the world through rose-tinted glasses, and as long as Evgenia kept kissing her, nothing could be wrong, right?

☆

Alina got sick in May. 

Not hanahaki sick, but normal person sick. Sick enough that she got to stay in bed and rest for a week, a week her body and mind needed more than she would've liked to admit.

Evgenia came to visit on Tuesday. She brought the soup her mother made, and sat on the end of the bed silently while Alina ate. 

"Listen... Alina... I need to tell you something." 

She looked up sharply, startled, and saw the tears in the other girl's eyes. 

"I'm leaving..." she mumbled, "I'm going to Canada." 

Alina felt something that she couldn't possibly understand. She met the other girl's eyes and felt all the pent up anger and sadness and resentment that Evgenia held as it it was her own, but Canada?

"But... but I'll see you at competitions? And ice shows." 

Evgenia started to cry. Alina felt numb.

"Don't wait for me to come back." As ambiguous as it was they both understood exactly what she meant by that, don't wait for me to call, don't wait for me to miss you while I'm gone, don't wait for me to visit and tell you all about my adventures, don't wait for me to fall in love with you like you fell in love with me. Alina's chest burned hotter than it had in months. 

"It's gonna be okay right? Everything's going to be okay for us." Was she asking? Or pleading? Wanting reassurance or begging her to reconsider? Deep down she already knew the answer.

"It'll be better this way, I promise."

She wasn't sure why she believed the blatant lie, but she did. She also wasn't sure why she didn't cry when Evgenia left, but she didn't.

☆

Nathan called her as soon as he heard the news. It was a nice distraction at least, he told her she looked dead and she said the same of him, he asked how she was feeling and she asked how his training was going. He showed her clips of his new programs and Alina showed him clips of hers and she found herself laughing at his stupid jokes. It felt nice to remember what a true friend was, the kind that doesn't kiss you and make empty promises then pickup and move across the globe. 

"So... I'm sorry about Evgenia." 

How much she wished he hadn't said that. She felt the stinging pain in her chest spread and she couldn't catch her breath. 

"Alina? Oh shit—" 

She was choking and coughing and crying harder than she knew was possible. She couldn't even tell you why she was crying, she knew the sickness would come back eventually, but it had never been this bad before and the realization that Evgenia didn't care about her hurt more than it should've.

"Please don't mention her." She managed between gasping breaths, she wanted to run to the bathroom, or at least end the call but god her vision was getting so blurry and she was straining so much to breathe she didn't know if she could do it. 

Nathan was shouting words that sounded like gibberish, for all she could tell they might've been, but she was too busy gasping and choking to listen and her already blurry vision started to go dark.

Alina felt like a thirteen year old kid again, with a stuffed puppy and a collection of flower petals and a broken heart. But she was older now, and she had the real Maseru to hug, and clumps of mangled flowers that she no longer saw the beauty in. At least, she thought, she still had the broken heart, so maybe some things hadn't changed. 

☆

Nathan was still on skype when she woke up last night, despite how inconvenient it must've been. He was scared for her, he'd said, and begged her to make an appointment with a specialist, something she agreed to but had no intention of doing. 

Alina just wanted to skate. 

And so, she wound up at the rink at four-thirty in the morning. 

It wasn't the first time she'd done it, but the feeling never got old. She was able to put on music and make up programs however she wanted too for all the nobodies sitting in the empty bleachers. Alina had always wanted to skate to something with feeling and emotion and passion but that just wasn't for her, apparently. Eteri told her she wasn't allowed to skate emotional programs because she just wasn't that good of a skater. Not like Evgenia was. Evgenia always got the emotional programs.

Eteri wasn't at the rink now, and thank god. Nobody was. But Alina knew the code to the security system and that was enough to get her in. She had her skates and a playlist of songs that reminded her of you-know-who, and both the stuffed and real versions of Maseru, the former of which had been hiding underneath her bed ever since the real one showed up. 

She brought them both on the ice, since there was no one to yell at her for it.

Alina put on the most dramatic music she could think of and skated her heart out for her audience of two, making up the entire program as she went along. 

If pressed, Alina would admit that it was moments like these that made her feel like her skating was worth a whole lot more than what everyone told her it was. Like she could touch people, make them feel something. It was moments like these that made her feel like Alina again, and that helped her more than any doctor could've.

☆

Alina was seventeen and tired of people telling her what was best for her. 

First it was Nathan, then Shoma, then her mother, then the three of them all ganging up on her and trying to convince her to see a goddamn doctor. 

She wasn't stupid or naive, Alina knew she was dying. She knew her condition was getting worse as the years went by and she knew she was lucky to even be alive at this point. 

But it was the off season now and god, Alina just wanted to relax for once in her damn life before the insane training started up again. 

Her season didn't end well, but it was a step up from last year. Third, at least she could call herself a world medalist now, but it wasn't was she— or Eteri— wanted. 

Evgenia was fourth and Alina spent nights at a time crying over the horrible comments people made. Saying things like Zhenya would've been better off with Eteri, or that she should just retire now and save herself the embarrassment.  But she knew none of that was true and it hurt her to read and she was afraid of how much it hurt Zhenya. 

She didn't look the same, she was quiet and tired and pushed herself too hard in practice. Everyone in the show was worried for her. Alina was at a loss, she was too scared, and it hurt too much to even think of her. 

But everyone was putting pressure on her and what choice did she have? Jason and Yuzu both told her that she was the only person Evgenia would listen to. Where they got that idea she had no clue. 

It was easy enough to call and ask, at least then she wouldn’t have to deal with the searing pain that came with being near her. She didn’t expect Evgenia to answer, anyway, but at least then she could say that she tried. 

“Hello?”

“Oh! Evgenia?” 

“You’re the one who called me.”

Alina scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d actually answer.”

“Well I did, so what do you want?”

“I— we’re— worried about you... you don’t seem the same.” 

“I have to train, Alina. You wouldn’t understand.” 

That hurt. “I just... I saw what people were saying and I was afraid you saw it too...” 

Evgenia didn’t respond, Alina was sure she said the wrong thing. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—“

“Thanks for checking in.” She whispered. “Nobody else has.” 

That hurt even more, “take care of yourself, please.” 

“I’ll try.” 

The phone clicked off before Alina could say anything else but, at least she had the peace of mind now, and if nothing else nobody could accuse her of not caring. 

Every once in a while after that, Alina would check up on her, send her a message, ‘are you happy in Canada? Is training going okay? Are you getting enough sleep?’

And every once in a while Evgenia would respond. ‘Are you eating well? Did you drink enough water today? Give Maseru a hug from me.’ 

As fragile and delicate as it was, it was nice to know that for once, somebody had her back. Alina felt warm.

☆

Alina was crying so hard she didn't even notice Evgenia walk in. 

Sure everyone had a nemesis and hers just happened to be worlds, but that didn't make sixth feel any better, not after she won the short, not after Zhenya broke her world record. And the face Eteri made while she was sitting in the kiss and cry was even worse, god, Alina would remember it forever. 

"Al? Alina?" 

She rubbed her face on her sleeve and blinked away tears, "o-oh, Evgenia, I'm sorry." She gestured toward the gold medal that was still hanging around her neck, "congratulations." 

"Thank you." 

"I'm sorry." She whispered, "I-I'm going to go." 

The expression on Evgenia's face changed such that Alina couldn't decipher what she was thinking and god, she was dying to know. 

"I'm sorry too I guess, for winning, and for leaving and for... uhm..." She cleared her throat, "can I sit?" 

Alina nodded hesitantly and made room for the older girl next to her, she tried to ignore how her heartbeat sped up. 

"Al..." she mumbled, "I'm proud of you. Really." 

What could she say? Thank you? Alina didn't think there was anything to be proud of. She wasn't even proud of herself. She didn't say anything. 

And suddenly Evgenia's arms were around her and she was crying again and everything hurt so badly that she was practically numb to everything except Zhenya's arms. Alina's heart glowed with a warmth that felt foreign, and yet comforting, and even still she couldn't shake the lingering pain. 

She had so many unanswered questions and so much anger bubbling up up inside of her but all she she had the strength to do was let herself hurt and let Evgenia hold her. It felt fair, in a sick way, because she was always strong when the older girl needed her to be and all she got in return were some stupid bloody flower petals.

It only took her a moment to realize the glowing warmth in her chest that had replaced years worth of burning pain, only a moment to realize she could breathe easy despite her tears. 

And suddenly it clicked. Why she’d felt so better over the season, why she could get through programs easier, why it didn’t hurt to touch or be near or even think about Evgenia anymore. 

“Zhenya!” She met the eyes of the shocked older girl. 

“Yes?” There was something so soft and gentle about the way she held her, the fact that she’d come here to comfort her and forgone celebrating her own victory, the look in her eye. 

Alina was at a loss for words. 

So she kissed her.

☆

...it never takes too long.

**Author's Note:**

> whattup I’m just here to love my girls and write like shit also listen to the song gravity it inspired this tears also please ignore typos and stuff I’ll edit later but I’m too excited to post now!


End file.
